Hard to Hear

I'm going to dive right in.  God has been talking to me about some things lately.  And when I say lately, I mean in the past year or so.  A LOT has happened in my life and in the lives of people around me.  I can't even begin to describe to you all of the things I've learned about myself, about grace, and about true love.  And I'm not talking about my marital relationship.  (Although now would be a good time for a shout out to my hunky hubby...Hey honey!)  I'm talking about a transparent, love without fear, I don't care who you are or where you've come from kind of love.  A love without conditions or requirements.

Unconditional love is easy to give when you have great people to give it to.  For example, I well up with pride and joy every time I think about my parents and my two sisters.  Even though my family has been going through a little valley, and amidst all of the feelings that have gone along with our situation, I can't tell you of a time in my life where I have loved each individual more than I do now.  In fact, I couldn't even begin to imagine feeling any other way.  

Or when it comes to my daughter...now there's a love that is eeeeeeeeasy.  Every thing she does makes my love grow deeper and deeper.  I even love changing her stinky diapers.  (Which I'll admit does sound a little weird, but it's true!)  And that husband of mine, oh, I love him.  He drives me crazy most of the time, but I love him for everything he is.

And my girlfriends.  I have the best.  God has surrounded me with true friendships that I am undeserving of.  And oh, am I thankful for them.

It's easy to love people who are like you.  Who are like minded.  Who love you back.

But what about everyone else?

I've always considered myself to be a loving person.  I try to get along with everyone.  I have a diverse group of friends.  I'll entertain a conversation with just about anyone.  But in my mind...

"Do you see her outfit?  Did she even look in the mirror this morning?"
"That guy looks scccccaarrrrry."
"Just don't make eye contact with that homeless guy sitting against the wall."
"Did that mom SERIOUSLY just do that?  Poor kid."
"I bet she has no boundaries with men."
"He is gross.  What a pervert."
 "I would never say that.  Or act like that.  Or be like that."

I used to think like this all. of. the. time.  Seriously.  It may not have been coming out of my mouth, but boy, it sure was in my mind.  I feel grimy admitting it.  I had (and sometimes still struggle with having) a major problem with negativity and judgment.  A critical spirit.  

But thank you, Jesus, for your grace, and for giving me just a small glimpse into it.  While going through a study to discover my identity in Christ, something clicked.  I recognized my judgments were coming from a blatant place of not fully accepting the grace that Jesus was freely offering.  Instead of being covered by His blood, I was only wading in it.  Choosing the benefits that best served me.

I've laid it down.  I've given up the arrogant fight to maintain whatever it is that I was trying to hold on to.  Losing "fun" Stefanie?  Risk being misunderstood by those around me?  Being challenged by those who disagree with me?  Whatever the many reasons, here's what I know.  I am not perfect, but I've been made perfect in Him.  I am undeserving of His love, but He loves me anyway.  And you know what else?  He feels that way about every person he's ever created, or ever will.  And my mission, my commission, is to love every single one of them.  Even despite the characteristics or situations that make me uncomfortable.

I don't know if you've processed that, but that's a pretty big job.  And quite honestly, I'm still not sure if I'll ever get it right.  But my heart's desire is to love people in a way that inspires them to know more about a true, transparent, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.  Because let me tell you, it's a big deal.

So if you are a child of God, I challenge you to start walking in who he made you to be.  Someone who loves like Jesus.  Cast off your negative judgments and your critical spirit and look at others through the eyes of the one who saved you from your sins.

And if you are still wondering about a love that transforms, I challenge you to reach out.  He's waiting! 

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."                  -Philippians 2:1-5

  
        

Crazy Brain

I have three blog drafts...just staring at me. 

My ramblings and my passions are colliding and going in so many different directions that I just can't focus on one.  I type a little here.  Type a little there.  Delete a little here and there. 

I need a weekend away.  Alone.  Some time that I can just type until my fingers are numb.  But...since I don't foresee that happening in the next twenty or so years, I think I'll just go to bed for now.

Maybe I'll dream about my posts.  Have some sort of revelation about where I'm supposed to go from here.

Until then, I'll just categorize this as a rambling.  At least it's complete.  :)

The Passionate Rambler

There are often times that I feel thoughts and feelings and emotions bubble up within me.  I sometimes pause for a moment and then they are gone, and other times I dwell for days, weeks, or even months.

This blog is dedicated to my passions.  My ramblings.  My fluttering thoughts and my deepest desires.  It's for keeping a sense of sanity in an otherwise crazy life.  It's a space for just me to be alone with God and the things on my heart.   To let my imagination and creativity run wild.

“A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
  -Maya Angelou

These are my songs.